pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Youthfulness... Okay. I thought I had plans for today. Oh well. I kind of don't mind. A phone call would be nice, but I need my alone time and my housee house is a messy mess. It's worse than ever, just about. Cuz Mike's stuff is strewn about. It was all in neat stacks, but since he's not leaving yet, when he needs something, he terrorizes the neat stacks until they are unneat piles. Hoo Hah. I was supposed to hang out with Ashton today. Ashton was my first ever bf. I mean the first significant relationship. I had a couple of casual likees but nothing like Ashton. I guess you could say he was my first love. And I loved the fuck out of him! I did. I was blindly in love. I put up with a lot of junk from him, totally devoted to the idea of us. He'd go to parties and if the prospects were good for him to get a blowjob or some action of any kind, he'd at least do me the decency of a quick break-up phone call. Of course being 45 minutes away and car-less at those moments tore me apart. I spent several weekends in tears and listening to 'How Soon is Now' on heavy rotation. I couldn't understand it. I'd always take him back. But you know, we were 16. You expect that instability in relationships at that age. I was so convinced that he was the boy that I would marry. I remember telling Gretchen (who used to be my best friend) that it was so cool, because we already knew who WE were gonna marry. How sad it was for all of our peers who wandered aimless in and out of relationships. We knew already. In retrospect, I see that as adorable niavete'. Preciousness and innocence. Would I have really WANTED all of those years, the years of growing and forming the core of who I am with one person, who is also growing and changing? No. I wouldn't have. That's what's so great about being young. You get so sure of yourself, so much so that your passion can get you into a lot of trouble. But that same passion can also be filtered in other ways... you can really do so much with the right attitude. For so long in my life, I made it my focus to BE in a relationship. I invested way too much energy into it. I sometimes wish that I had invested just half of that into something more selfish, something just for me and the development of me... I might be somewhere totally different had I tried. I don't regret anything, though. I think that in every life, there is a lesson before dying. My lesson is to balance the you and the me... to learn to give myself as much attention as I give others. To learn that my selfworth is found in what I can do *without* other people to validate my efforts. Of course I like the validation and I won't stop hoping for it. The show must go on, the show must be just as vibrant and fun and hopeful alone as it would if everyone was watching. Ashton just called. He woke up late. I'm not seeing him in an effort to be his girl again. He's tried that for years and years now and I just don't feel the same. He's a genuinely great person and I will always love him. I just want to see what else there is. I want something new or nothing at all. 16:39:22 - eight oh six ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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