pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gimmee Some Detergent! Suppose, for a moment, that I am what you would call blissful. Scratch it. I'm not. Finding your way in a relationship is VERY hard to do. It is even harder when your best friend despises the person you are with. And maybe it *does* affect the way I am as a friend. But I don't know. It's so hard to see outside of things, especially things as inescapable as your very self. Soooo. Here's all I know... My best friend of 9 years (give or take a few months) doesn't feel like dealing with me and my new life. At least this is the best I can come up with, seeing how he never calls me anymore, doesn't respond to email... but something tell me he does still read diaryland. So this is the retreat. He is moving towards adult goals and he is in an established relationship. I think that sometimes people that are settled down forget how hard the beginning can be. Granted, Mike and I have skipped ahead past the getting-to-know-you stage and into the forced roomie shack-up; which YES, admittedly isn't the best thing for any new new thing... And now, we are in different places. Steven is surrounded by people that are and have been in relationships for a very long time, people around him are marrying and buying houses and honestly, this is also about where he is. I'm not there. I haven't had a relationship in over 2 years until Mike. I had forgotten how to get along with a love type thing. I just assumed that I was right all of the time, so there was no give and take. A lot of it has to do with me and my stubborness... but I held up the proverbial mirror and took a look. I've been a sucky, demanding girlfriend. Sure, Mike's not been the best boyfriend, but until like 2 nights ago, I sure did think I was doing everything right. I don't know where the change came. But it is a slow transition. But... still, I swear, they need a commune of people who are in new, difficult relationship settings. That way I could talk about it all I needed to, I could vent, I could examine WHY things are, etc, etc... and I could pretend that everything is always okay with me and then maybe I would still have my Steven around. I think that he is tired of me putting up with Mike. He's just got my best interest at heart, I know it. It's like the moving to Indiana or not moving to Indiana thing. I just have to make up my mind in a definite direction and focus the energies there. That's what my big karmic lesson is I think :: Stop being Wishy-Washy. And I am trying. Right now. 11am - six too ate ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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