pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Anticipated Update *Sigh* The update. I know. You've been waiting. I've been waiting. Waiting to get a grasp on what's going on. Let's suffice it to say that things didn't go as planned Thursday. As forceful and stoic as I *want* to be, there is the Tenderheart CareBear ever-present inside of me. The stuff and fluff that isn't made of brains, but good. Unexplainable good. Good that defies common sense or even logic. The CareBear in me is most definitely from my mother's side of the family. More on THAT later. We changed the locks. I sung "I will survive" to myself. I have been all weekend. We had his stuff removed from every orifice of my apartment. It sat piled in neat stacks in the living room. Wanting to be fair, I phoned him at work at 4:30 to give him a heads up. To say, hey, make plans for tonight. What do you mean, he says? You aren't staying here. At first, my suggestion was met with defiance. "That's not going to work for me." Too bad, eh? A calm discussion about how I'm not putting up with his shit anymore followed. Then the fear set in with him. Don't do this to me. Please. You're all I've got. You're the only person that I've got in this world. Well, I said, you should have thought about that before you walked all over me. I hated to hear him worry and be near tears at work. It wasn't really fair of me to call him on the job like that, but then one could argue that it wasn't *really* fair for him to talk to me the way he did, or to treat me so unkind after I've been nothing but nice to him from Day One. But I called him at work so he wouldn't be in for a shocker when he got home. I like to be fair, when possible. This was as close as I could get. Steven and my parents were all over when a potential roomie dropped Mike off from looking at the apartment. I went outside to meet him, so he didn't walk into something so unexpected. He was SO mad. Why had I brought EVERYONE in on this? Because I couldn't do it alone. Not that I hadn't tried. I had. He wouldn't listen if it was JUST me. So I had my army, however small. We talked. He could not believe that this was happening, but he said that he knew that he brought it on himself. I remained calm, rational and tried to help bring some of that rationality to him. He really doesn't have anywhere to go. We called his mom, even though we were not supposed to. She STILL has yet to return my call, even though I did not say WHY I was calling, just that it was important and I needed to speak to her. If MY MOM got a call from someone that she knew I was living with/dating, she would not hesitate to pick up that phone ASAP to see what was going on. I cannot understand a mother that would let something like this go for so long. He didn't want me to call her. Why, silly old me asked. Because I don't want to get hurt again he said. Now I get it. He told me about this guy that was his best friend in the world. The guy just up and left him without so much as a goodbye, see ya or fuck off. Just here one day and gone the next. Granted, I don't know the circumstances... but it became obvious to me that Mike has no one to count on; that everyone he's ever felt a closeness to has disappointed him. I'm not making excuses for him. He treated me pretty bad. He didn't ever hit me or even threaten it. I felt threatened by him at times, because when anger strikes, you never KNOW what can happen. He talks shit all the time about beating people up, but he's also anti-guys who hit girls, but STILL you never really KNOW. I was looking out for myself. Having everyone over was my way of making sure that I've got padding. So. It was thundering outside. Clearly it was going to storm, and the plan in hand was that Mike would be sleeping outside. I'm NOT COOL WITH THAT. Analyze. He was a dick, yes. But I did care. He hurt me, I spent night after night in tears of utter unhappiness. We weren't made for each other. But casting someone out into the streets again does NOT lay easy on my mind. Nor does it rest easy on my mom's mind. So he stayed. She stayed, too. He found out about the locks. Almost something else to fight about, WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM???? Examine it, Mike. He's not been the Mike I've known lately. Why *SHOULD* I trust him. Besides, he's moving out. It's just good business to return the keys, or to change the locks. ............... This is NOT the end. This is a long and continuing saga. I have much more to add. I have to go right now, though. Maybe I will finish later tonight. It's an awful lot of typing. It's also so hard to explain concisely. A strange change has taken place. Stay tuned, radio public... ... 20:29:21 - seven three-one ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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