pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Survivor Too I've had it with 'Reality TV'... I'm not at all interested in the new Survivor... I might be into it if it wasn't on Friends night, but Friends is just so much better than a bunch of whiny athletic types trying to figure out how to 'outwit' other whiny athletic types... I saw/heard Temptation Island for the first time. It's like a long drawn out Change of Heart, only with video. It doesn't make sense to me that it's okay for one half of the couple to be flirty and sexy with the opposite sex but when their significant other is caught on tape doing the same thing, it's all hell and it's about to break loose. People are an enigma to me. For REAL. Brian is a never-ending math equation for me. I don't understand him at all. He was sincere about all of those things he told me the other night, YET he won't let us get any closer. He cleaves to his not-getting-close-factor closely and will never ever let go and love completely. Not in my lifetime. I must admit, it kills me. It does. Finally someone that I think really understands me and still loves me, still comes around, still whatever... CONFESSES that he feels these great things for me... And apparently that alone is enough for him. Words I have been waiting to hear from someone that really understands who I am and where I've been... listen : none of my exes have EVER known me, never gotten to know me beyond the surface... but Brian comes along, hears everything kept locked in this diary and more, and he still comes around. I give him too much credit. He doesn't want this. He wants everything separated with a fine screen. So he loves me. It's his loss to not accept the invitation to know me better. Again, again : I don't even want to be his girlfriend. Everything is always a struggle with him. Always a struggle. I don't need a struggle, my past love lives have always resulted in exhaustion from the struggle of not being that perfect fit. Love should be easy enough to fall into and comfortable enough to expand... no tight restricting fit... hands should hold hands, hair should be touseled, eyes should be gazed into and laughs should be shared. Together you should take on the world. Not each other. Not what you may or may not become to each other. No. And I know this. I'm a stubborn thing though... but I want real love, I want that happiness that I know should exist for me. I will hold on. I will wait. I'm a Survivor. Did I mention that I'm not interested in that show? I have grown tired of my dilemma... I need to get on with my bad self. 03:25:03 - January 31st, 2001 : 10:21pm ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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