pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sucks to be a sucker My mom just called to tell me that my dad wants to call Mike and tell him that we're moving him out on Saturday. While I appreciate their intentions, I really really wish they would let me figure out what needs to be done. I know I am frustrating as a friend and daughter these days, with my inaction (if that is a word) on the roommate situation. It makes me very nervous when they decide in their heads that this is what the course of action should be. They don't really understand that Mike isn't a normal person and he cannot be dealt with in typical ways. I have tried. Logic and common sense will go out of their way to avoid this guy at all costs. Things that most people who have broken up with someone, yet are still temporarily living with them would understand are things beyond his grasp of reality. I live with him, I know how out of touch he is. My sweet little mommy thinks that she has this power, because she's a mom, I guess, that she can call and reason with him. A Mothers Reasoning Value is not effective on someone who never had a mother that behaved matronly or maternal at any point in the child's life. It won't work. That's equivalent to someone trying to feed a plastic doll real food. It's not going to get you anywhere. The doll isn't going to digest it. Mike won't digest my mom's reasoning. It won't happen. No amount of magic can do this. I want to tell her, but she wants to think that she's going to be able to solve all of my problems. I wish she could. I wish I knew how to get his mean cat claw out of my pretty silk shirt. But I don't. It has to be done delicately or else. Or else things are going to suck for me, maybe worse than they do already. And I am so used to this rollercoaster. I've grown numb to the ups and downs, I roll with them now. I KNOW I deserve much better than this, and I know that I'm miserable. I KNOW that I'm being taken advantage of. I KNOW that Mike has crazy bursts of scariness and it's scarier than anything else on this boyfriend/exboyfriend level that I've ever had to deal with, but it's not as scary as things I've seen in movies, so maybe in some fukt up way I think I'm going to be okay and that it won't be much longer til it's purged from my daily routine and just a dark, damp memory. He is meeting with his probation officer today. If my luck should look up, they would put him in jail. I don't really WANT that, and I feel bad to think it for a moment. But if they see fit, I do see it as one of the quickest ways to get him out of my place, out of my life. It sucks. I hate that I had loved him. It's a stigma of sorts. I don't want to hurt anyone. Even though I know that no matter how patient and kind and understanding and forgiving I can and have and will have been, he will always think that I have done him wrong. He will always think I am in his face, a nagging bitch of an xgf. He will never really see the good side now. At least not for 10 years. That's my best estimate. I really don't think that there is a 'delicate' solution. I'm sick of being taken advantage of. I'm NOT stupid but this whole situation is making me look and feel very IDIOTIC and it's burning me up!!!! Grr. What is going to happen? When am I going to get pissed enough to not care about feelings? I don't care about the annoying gnats that I shoot down in a stream of pesticide. Bugs bug me. Mike's been bugging me. Why can't I shoo him away or just toss him out. I don't try to make sure the buggies are comfortable or have enough to eat. I don't give a rat's ass where they sleep or if they sleep. I just want them out. I think it's the eyes. Being able to look into someone's eyes and doing something that may be uncomfortable for them has always been hard for me. Hell, I can't even look at a stuffed animal at a garage sale without feeling guilty about not taking it home with me. I'm just a sucker. At least I'm grape. 15:18:05 - August 16th, 2K :: 11:15am ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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