pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disregard Unless You Want to Read About My (So Called) Love Life I know. There are roadblocks to my progress as a person. The Number One Roadblock is sleeping and snoring right now. Today, no fighting. A sadness came over me, because I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I HAVE TRIED TO DO IT but I keep getting these things thrown in my path, like little children and fluffy bunnies and kitties and dogs being hurled in front of me on the freeway. And I stop or I swerve. So on with the sadness. He's all up and high on life because all is well in Mikeville. He just got his tongue repierced and got the makings of a mad dinner on the stove. Blah blah blah happy giddy talking and an occasional regard for my lifeless body slumped sadly at the desk. You see, it's like in those movies where you are in the head of the main character, his boss or his wife or his buddy is talking away about something seemingly important but all you hear is the inner monologue of the main character saying WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE? THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME. And that's what you've got. Only I'm a girl, not a guy like in my example. Hoo Hah. It's not like I don't care, I'm just not emotionally involved. That detachment happened somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way my railroad car came unhitched and disassociated with the train, the little engine that thinks he can... I can see that little engine forging on ahead, trying to make it up the hill, oblivious to the fact that I'm already gone. Knowing firsthand that something IS wrong with me, he begins his opening up. This is the part where he says that he has been giving a lot of thought to the fact that he just hasn't been there for me emotionally and the like, oddly enough he thinks he's doing his part with the finances... but that's another story altogether... and now he realizes the error of his ways without me having to point it out to him. He wants to become the kind of guy that people enjoy being with. His DICK days are over. He said he tried it out at work today and he felt so great internally about taking a real interest in other people. He wants to be some sunshine on the face of Atlanta. He is sure that I will fall deeply in love with this sunshine. Meanwhile, I am not so confident in this. I would LOVE nothing more than for him to become a shining example of a good person... someone that embraces life and it's variances instead of scoffs it. Someone that wouldn't dream of throwing beer on the most beautiful white rare amazing and stunning sea-bird that chose to land directly 2 feet in front of us at the beach. Someone that doesn't tell me he's not listening when I am saying something sincere but unnecessary. Someone who, at the deepest darkest depths of his soul IS someone that I could love without excuses... But I feel like I have to make them. Excuses for his behaviors towards me, why he acts the way he often does. In this changing, he mentioned something about letting go of all of the baggage that he's been carrying around. It's not good to drag it with him and I agree. Most of all, he says he's SURE that I will fall in love with him in his new self suit. 100% sure. So with tearful eyes I confessed. The only way that I think we can make it is if he moves out and gives me my space. As it is, I'm not interested in his daily triumphs or his self-assuredness or most of what he has to say. I KNOW that makes me sound like a bitch, but how many times can you TELL someone that you don't feel it? Once... wait a few weeks, say it again. 3 times now or more, shouldn't it be SO??? He tells me to give it one month. We can evaluate our feelings at that point. But TRY really hard for this month and he will, too. How do you tell the kid that I'm just not interested? Nothing works. I LOVE HIM but he won't ever be the kind of guy that inspires me to anything other than madness. He won't be the one I've dreamed about. I'm not sure anyone will, but life is a big gamble a great deal of the time and I know that my dreamboat exists, even if I met him and there were problems, nothing would compare to what I have now. Nothing. I want the genuine care and concern and tenderness and sincerity and laughter. I want to be able to illicit laughter and feel blushee by someone really giving me their heart in ways that are right for them, not ways I can write down so they have a checklist of what I think they should be doing, or what I think I deserve. Oh. My my. I've gone on too long. Literally. ... 04:48:02 - seven one-seven one am ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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