pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've Had It Wake up, girl. You're being played. Hmm, maybe he's right. Mike promises change when a storm takes shape. Appease the rainmaker, avoid the torrents and the wind. After said storm has been averted, resume your non-efforts. When I typed the last entry, it was 1 am. I was mad mad HOPPING mad. You see... Mike TOLD me that he wanted to be this great person and show me exactly how fabulous he could be. How much depth and charm he would invest into US. So, when we settled in for the evening, we were apparently going to be reading before sleepytime. I have lots of good things to read independantly, but I'd just bought a book in hopes that we could go through it together. It's a book called something like "Lists to Live By..." or something and a lot of what I've seen in flipping through it could totally benefit us, IF we are to make it work. So I want to do this together. There are things in there that I have been trying to express about gentle and thoughtful things he could do to show me he genuinely cares :: asking open ended questions, just holding me without any expectations, listening to me and really hearing me, seeing that he isn't the only one in the relationship... things like that. And there are things that I need to work on, too, like not wanting to end it all (with him I mean, not on a grander scale...) at every argument. (I can't do this right now, sincerely. I have no interest in making a concerted effort with someone who is all talk and no action.) But the beacon of hope would be that we could go through this together and understand our weaknesses and each others strengths. When are we going to do this? "I don't know." Can we plan a time to do this? "I don't know." I thought you wanted to make things work for us.???. "I do." Well, then, when do you want to read the book with me? "I don't know. I don't want to think about it now." *SIGH* Well, when do you want to think about thinking about it??? "Not tonight." Tomorrow then? "Maybe." Come on, COMMIT to something. "No. We'll see." Is the remote on the floor? "I don't know." -pause- "I'll check. ---------- Yep." -pause- "Here." Do you mind if I watch TV? "Sure." Sure you mind? or Sure, go ahead.???. "Go ahead." Okay. So I try to find something worth watching. I start to read "Me Talk Pretty One Day" again, David Sedaris. It's the story about his family pets. The cat named Neil whom he had for a very long time. When it was time for her to be laid to rest, he reflected that she'd never liked the great outdoors, so he took her ashes and scattered them on the carpet and vacuumed them up again. I thought this was so funny. The image of this. So I shared it with Mike. *BRIEF RECAP OF WHAT I JUST SAID* Isn't it funny??? Mike lays there. No reaction. Not a forced smile, not a fake laugh, not even an eye rolling. I nudge him. Isn't it funny? Nothing. Not EVEN a "yeah." No regard that I've even been speaking at all. What a killjoy. I hate having him around. I HATE IT GODDAMN IT. He lies. He says that he is doing so much and he can't even humor me??? Despite the fact that we weren't reading the book or even planning on it, I was still in a good mood and he just had to wound and maim that part of me. FUCKER. He's making me bitter. Grr. What a waste of my time. When will I be strong enough to stand up and kick him out? Strength. Strength. Oh HELP AND BOTHER. ... 15:17:09 - seven one-seven ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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