pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sandpapered Heart The Longest Night of My Life happened last night. It was easily 2 nights worth of everything rolled into a few short hours. I got my courage to insist that it is better for me for us to live apart. He was mad, as I expected, and he views it as me trying to dick him over, as he just got a job transfer to this part of town and he is vehicle-less. I couldn't touch him for a long time. He stormed outside to get away from the scene and contemplate the situation. Mahalik, the neighbor, saw him and struck up a conversation. I was going outside to talk to Mike, to tell him that it doesn't mean we have to break up, that that was not my intention. I heard him lamenting that I was kicking him out. Leslie and Jeremy were already on the schedule to come over. I tried to page J. so I could TALK to them and tell them that maybe it wouldn't be the best time to come over, but they were online and Mike was, too. All of the plans were made there. I am tired of dragging them into everything. It's not fair to them. I wondered how long it would take. 30 minutes max. I understand that it was coming from a place of hurt. He told Leslie that he'd have to get rid of the ferrets. When she asked why, it was because I'm kicking him out. So I'm the bitch. I am the bitch for needing space. The space that I require in order to see things from a distance, so I can more accurately measure my feelings for him. As it is, I am confined to a small apartment FORCED to deal with things and compromise on things when emotionally I was just not prepared for a live-in thing. I want to be SURE that I want to be with someone rather than make things work on something that isn't what I really wanted. I don't always want to live with him. I mean, I would like to have some time apart so I can miss him... but whatever. I don't want to go from meeting him, barely dating to living together and then directly into marriage, if it ever got to that. It won't right now. So he went outside to smoke with Leslie. They talked for a good 45 minutes. He can open up to her. It's good that he can open up to someone, and I won't begrudge him that need. I know he cannot communicate with me everything so it will be understood. We come from very different places, different family settings. After their talk, he came inside, took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He looks me deep in the eye and tells me he loves me. I do believe he's sincere. But he wants to forget everything we've said for the day. Does this include the part where I said MOVE OUT??? I know that's what I NEED in order to make this relationship a healthy one. Trust me on this, he says. Promise me? I don't know if I can do that, I say. I don't have much energy these days. He promises that soon I will. And I'm crying and crying because my heart is exposed and this day, this whole night has been sandpaper. I'm tired of living from the darkest corners. Mostly, more than anything, I wanted to just recover. They all wanted to swim. I didn't. I got in, but was not into it, so I went back home, wrote an email, went to bed. Mike peeks his head in to drop off his goggles or whatever. I ask when he will be coming to bed. I NEED arms around me, something warm to comfort my hurtingness. In a few minutes, he says. Two hours later, I go out into the living room and they're all watching a movie. I go out again a few minutes later, hoping that Mike will come see how I am. I felt like my chest needs closing. Tenderness can do this. As a hint, because it's 4:45 am, I say WHAT TIME IS IT? Obviously I knew. But it's more of a point than anything else. I have to work in the morning, I need SOME CLOSURE before I can sleep, because there won't be time for that in the morning. No one gets the hint, so I go in and like a big baby, slam the door. HELLO, MY FUCKING HEART IS RIPPING APART SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY, ANYONE MIND IF I HAVE SOME SPACE TO RECOVER? So I think this. I think how I can sit here mad and no one will know. I couldn't stand the thought of it. I decided, as I often do in times of personal crisis, to LEAVE. To get outside at least, to have MORE ROOM to think. I just wanted to be away from it all, because it was taking time away from MY HEALING. He followed me outside, we talked after some more crying and upsettedness. We went back inside eventually. I don't want to face our guests. You know? I'm tired, grumpy, etc. I don't want them to think it's about THEM. It's not THAT. My healing is vital, or at least some comfort. It's VITAL before I go to work, where I am right now. I can't get this off of my mind. I want to cry and cry and cry. I still don't think I'm being heard. These fucking lovesongs on the radio aren't helping. ... 13:47:19 - seven one eight ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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