pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sick Day I am too close up to the situation to see it for what its worth. I'm seeing ONLY the nostril on Teddy R. when I really need to see the whole Mt. Rushmore. Debbie, my boss, let me pretend I was sick so I could go home and try to get something worked out. I told her nothing would be accomplished. I was sure that he meant that we should forget EVERYTHING we said, INCLUDING the part where I KNOW FOR A FACT that I need him to move out. I was right. When I got home, I got into bed. He was still there, seeing how he was also up until 6:15am. After about 30 minutes, he woke up and noticed me. He was sweet as ever, calling me his special baby and putting his arm around me. He asked if he could get me anything. Truth be told, I was sick... This whole thing is MAKING me physically ill. I've felt like yarfing for 2 days or more. I wanted to accomplish something. He wanted to pretend like yesterday never happened. So pampering aside, I pushed him to TALK again. This is something he's grown to dread. It IS all we do. TALK about US. Usually not good stuff. But I KNOW what will work. He's not willing to do this, not even if it is the only thing that will work for ME. He said that if I kick him out we're through and I said it's his choice. He said that he wouldn't be changing his mind either. He went to smoke. He came back in, asked for the zip code. I'm HOPING that it's because he is looking for a place to move to. It's not. It's so he can list the ferrets for sale. He includes the line "my girlfriend is kicking me out of the apartment." I ask him to stop and listen to me. He gets sick. He needs to be alone. I go into worried mode, comfort mode. I lay with him and try to make him feel better. I know a lot of it is the sadness of this situation wretching inside him. Not that he'd admit it. The last thing I want is to hurt him. I found an ad. Someone seeking a KEWL roomie. Some guy that is Mike's age and into the same music and things that Mike is into. He can totally afford it, plus I think that he would feel so much better about himself if he wasn't living through his girlfriend. I think that's a habit with him, spending every available moment with someone. He wants some security, and I can understand that. But I think we need our own identities first and foremost. I wish he could feel this way. Until then it's more mudsticking. I've made up my mind. I don't want things to end ugly. I'm not a bad person. I'm not trying to screw him over at all. I'm willing to help him find a place that he can afford and ease into making a smooth transition. It seems, in the heat of the moment, that he refuses this measure. So what can I do to convince him? Leslie even told him that I need it. If I am asking that of him, he should give it to me, if he truly wants things to work. Otherwise, he's not really willing to do "what it takes." *Sigh* Thanks for the support, MattyBear. HUGS. 21:31:01 - seven one-eight pt. 2 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||