pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Moving Episode The thought of living in Atlanta for too much longer is rubbing me the wrong way. There is really nothing for me here that holds much hope; homebuying, Matt's career, friendships... I had wanted to buy a house, so we looked at house after house after house and found exactly nothing which we could afford without an hour drive to and from work in just minimal traffic. Even the houses we can afford we don't like. I guess I had always envisioned a certain style of house that I would live in... a place to maybe settle down those last few things that needed settling. It was gonna be a roomy old house with lots of character, a rocking chair front porch and a yard with a big shade tree. My house wouldn't be massive by any means, just roomy. It would have a basement and 3 bedrooms and hardwood floorability. We could see ourselves wanting to have babies here, to see their tiny fleshy fists pull their tiny baby bodies around on the floor until we'd sweep them up and spin around planting soft little kisses on their soft little heads. Instead, I've seen places that I could stand, but that was it. I could live there for a year or maybe two, but none of them felt like home. HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS and my heart wasn't in any of these places. I realize lately that my heart is with Matt. He's with me, so it makes things easy. A CONTRADICTION:: My official home-buying heart cannot love a place we cannot feasibly afford. My home-buying heart cannot bear to think of an hour or more commute each day. My home-buying heart is detached and distant. I WANT OUT. I WANT OUT OF ATLANTA. Strangely enough, it is ME that is convincing Matt that we should go. Get out while we can. Get out while there is still hope for him at Indre. You see, he left his DREAM JOB to move here to be with me. He's working here, now, usually one or two days a week. He does live sound and he works 18 hour days. 18 hours of HARD LABOR, setting up stages, equipment, making sure things run smoothly... all those things that sound engineers do. He works his ass off and he loves what he does. But here comes the winter. Shows may dwindle and work may get scarcer for the months to come. No one knows for sure. All we know is that he needs to make steady pay so we can pay our ever-steady bills and rent. I, personally, don't want Matt to have to take a job that isn't in his career field. He's worked in the music industry for over 2 years now because it is his PASSION. Just knowing that he gave up the dream gig to be with me makes me feel like something special, and I don't want him to miss out on a minute of his dream to be here, with no sure shots. It isn't right and it isn't fair. Especially not when I'm ready to leave here myself. I've been ready. Every day Atlanta and it's scene grows more distant in my eyes. I have a hundred acquaintances but no real friends. I did, or I should say I thought I did, but now I know I don't. 2:32 p.m. - October 11th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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