pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Land of the Lost Ahh. Where has time gone? I've been keeping myself busy with being jobless. So far I don't think it's having adverse affects on me, but Matt thinks it is for sure. I argue that it's PMS - it's SOME thing, ANY thing but not having to clock in, clock out... But yeah, I'm down in the dumps. Like blah te blah stylee - as in one minute I'm fine and the next I feel deaths nell is just moments away. Yeah. That. I think in my bold teens I decreed that I could not envision myself living to see 30. So hmm. I guess I have until September. But see - that's JUST SILLY. But then on the other hand: I'm feeling weighty, unimportant, lackluster... JUST HERE instead of HERE!! (WHERE I WANT TO BE!). I feel LOST. And it scares me. I have these moments of EXTREME clarity. It's where for 3 seconds and 3 seconds only - your blinders are removed... or at least the filters that are always on and always soften and smooth your view so you don't see the gritty. That nitty gritty LIFE poking you in the belly. I hate that moment. A flash and my mind says: TAKE IT ALL IN, soak it up, YOU ARE HERE. Everything looks lit by fluorescent lights and its like you are seeing through a camera lens and this can't be YOU can it? Your mess, your junk mail, your living room that seems so out of order since you moved the couch. And in that same instant: I see my Mom and my Dad and my ME and I can feel my hair grow and everything is so slow in these three seconds... YOU ARE HERE it says with its fluorescence. And I repeat. I AM HERE. The AM sinks in. Is this how I imagine my life? But this is it. This is IT. I am down down down. It's a shame. I AM HERE and I am LOST but just annoyed. It does worry me that I can feel myself on that proverbial fence. Where I'm between KEEPING and LOSING things. It's another long story - but the girl that Matt's band has found for keyboards - she rubs me the wrong way. I've only really seen her twice, the first she was on a downward spiral from lack of sleep so she just curled up on our big cozy chair and closed her eyes while everyone else chatted. I didn't think anything of it. I thought she seemed like a cool girl. She's got spunk. Even in a tired hour. So a few weeks ago when they were in the studio recording - I tried to make small talk with her. I would try to ask open-ended questions. They were met with one word responses. The first was actually met with a single worded reply and then she took off into the other room yelling for the singer, to see what she was up to. Strange. I caught her staring at me several times that night. What did that mean? I hate being stared at. I hate WORSE the fact that I am fast becoming uncomfortable around one of Matt's friends. I'd brought magazines for the long night at the studio. She looked bored. I offered her one. NO was the only reply. More staring. Then I noticed her watching Matt. She seemed to drink in his every move. Every antic he'd let loose was met with roaring approval from her. But she seems to be the kind of girl that watches people - that takes things in - I can understand that. I still think that she is harboring at least a tiny crush on my baby. BUT doesn't it seem that way? Or is it just me? I hate this. I HATE it. I want to be confident. I should be confident. OKAY. I know this. And. still... It makes me paranoid. I KNOW Matt doesn't want her. There are so many reasons for that... But... I feel like this and it makes me MISS the part of us where we try to surprise each other with new things, nice things. Not like gifts... but thoughtfulness. Notions. He's just a boy though. I want romance. I want it like RAIN right now. Because my tears should not be the only RAIN in my life. --- It's not that bad. I don't cry all the time. It's momentary. Mostly at night. Ten minutes at a time. Be brave for me, and strong - because I am scared of how I can't touch bottom and yes, even though I have my life vest on, stay with me and remind me that it's there. 9:39 p.m. - May 23, '02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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