pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Invitation... Hmm. I have this strange feeling that isn't really something that can be pinned down. It seems like for the past couple of days I'm just on the edge, all the time. Like I can get to the point of tears one minute and the next I'm all about "fucking it" and being done with it all. Then the next minute I'm back to the 'oh well...maybe it's just me' syndrome. I don't want Brian to be my boyfriend anymore. No lie, I totally did want that before, as Modge likes to point out was no real secret. I tried to contain myself, Modge. I did try! It's hard to be enthusiastic about someone on a daily basis without it looking a bit suspicious. Okay, so I don't want B. to be my man now. But here's the really fukt up part :: Even though a lot of my frustrated moments have something to do with him, when they DON'T, I want him to be that person that I can just BE with, maybe to cry if I need it or just to be held, which is most likely what would make me always feel instantly better... you know, that calmingness that comes with open arms? That's what I want and I LOVE that with him. I feel safe and warm and home with him. And I'm not suggesting that it would always be that way, me being all mopeygirl or what-have-you, but lately I could use a gentle embrace, some hair touseling tenderness... and I can't think of anyone that I feel that comfortable with more than I do with B. I am easily hurt when I'm so open to someone. It's like he's getting this deeper level of me than most people ever will get to see, he's got the embossed invitation to the velvety plush of this room. I just hope he can learn to appreciate that, because it is precious. I think anytime you open up to someone it hurts just a little if it goes unnoticed. I've honestly been hoping deep down for a quiet night, I need sweetness, I've been missing it, a lot. 02:59:00 - November 3rd, 2K :: 10:47pm ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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