pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ink Spot Mural It's lonely here. I mean it. Here and *here*. All of my diaryland people are being slack with the updates, 'cept MattyBear. And in my REAL LIFE, it's very lonely today. I am sad. I know that a part of me is happy and gleeful and all of that, and I know that this is a HEALTHY thing. Even in the worstestest situations, there is the end of an era... and that must be mourned in whatever way it must be mourned in. So tonight I'd hoped that Mike would come with his mom to get the last round of his junque. He didn't, because my place is on his mom's way to his place, so she came right after work. I wanted to see him to tell him that I never meant to hurt him. I know that had he been a normal and somewhat sane person, he wouldn't have felt hurt by anything I've done. He's NOT normal and he's not sane, so he views everything I've done as a crime against his person. I know that I didn't do anything bad. I wanted him to know it too. No, I didn't plan on hanging out with him again. I just wanted to say HEY, REMEMBER, I'M OKAY. I can't stand leaving anyone with a bad taste in their mouth, or a hateful memory when there needn't be one. I'm afraid that there's nothing I can do about it, and I must resign the wish that he will touch down to this earth and suddenly his eyes will pop wide open and he will see me for who I was. He won't. Ever. I am already lonely. I have a lot more ROOM and a lot less CLUTTER already and for that I am thankful. Buttercup the cute but nawty ferret is prancing around the place, and she's a little bit of entertainment. I feel like something is missing though. I think it's the closure. I've been crying and/or feeling like crying in between napping and watching tv and trying to stay positive. I know I need to just GO OUT and let go a little bit. There is no loss here and I am well aware of this. I'm just HAUNTED by the thought of Mike carrying on and on and I know his cycles and I know that soon he will start again, resiliently to inject his presence into someone else's life and he will be more calloused and he will not realize the damage that he is doing and he will forget the good things that he was so close to having in my kind of world and he will remember me as a black inkspot on his new pants. He will curse me and believe that I have ruined him. And in my weakest moments I will, myself, feel ruined. 03:39:28 - September 13th, 2K :: 11:36pm ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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