pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fire is Out So close. So close. Anytime I bring up the moving outedness that I want to happen, "we're through." I hate the unnecessary drama here. I understand that he's hurt by the suggestion of leaving me to my space. I never said we had to break up, but he's saying it every time, as if I would be devastated by that threat. That's his choice. Of course I like for everything to end on a positive, but every day is so negative, it would be unlikely, I suppose. I know I'm negative. This is something I'm not proud of. I do know where it's roots are. I know that I have plenty of great things inside of me; things that I want to share. But those things are like the kittens you see running loose in the parking lots. They may come right up to you, but then again, some need coaxing. So the fact that Mikee doesn't even notice the kittens in the dark of the night, well, it's annoying. The other night we went to Waffle House. We were NOT at ALL getting along. This was my sick day. A lot happened that day, but suffice it to say, when we went to WH it was one of the few moments during the day when there wasn't any conflict. But it blew me away. Mike was just talking and talking all about him and the old Waffle House days and I tried to initiate some interaction between us instead of just listening to his stories. When he wasn't talking about himself, he just smoked and stared at me. I was really wishing that he'd reciprocate the line of lighthearted questions, because lightheartedness could have worked here. Instead it was eavesdropping on the other table's conversation; making fun of other customers... everything BUT engaging me in conversation. You see, Mike doesn't really even know anything about me. I have all of these ideas, these stories. I have plenty to say. But we sit and watch TV. I stopped asking the questions a long time ago. He can talk about himself for hours on end. Soon you realize this and are no longer interested. Soon you start to feel like chopped liver. Soon you grow apathetic to your situation. You let the mold grow over it, covering you, making it difficult to see how hopeless you've become. But then, in a waking moment, usually through tears, you see how sad it's all become. How you shouldn't be living like this. How you had so much hope. How you glow, but the glow is covered by soot from a fire long extinguished. ... 13:28:27 - seven two-oh ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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