pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boys and Dogs Everyone wants to help me. I appreciate it. I do. I get defensive about it sometimes, but I know you're all thinking in my best interest, even if I'm not. Playing the Voice of Reason when it's most needed. I really need to do this for myself. I need to. I know this. I know that's why everyone is offering to do this for me, because I hesitate. I don't know WHY I hesitate. It's ridiculous. I'm not happy and this isn't the life that I want to remember. I don't want to spend another month or even another week like this. At the same time, I don't want to be so weak. I want to get him out. I WANT TO. I don't want to be so weak. It's not going to be easy to do and I do believe that other people could do this more efficiently than I could, but don't you think I should? This girl last night (incidentally one of the girls that Mike used to talk to) told me that she'd have more respect for me if I burned all of his things than she does now. Not that her opinion really matters, but it's a good point. I'm letting myself get walked on. It's STUPID. I got myself into this mess. I really hate getting other people involved. I guess they are involved though. It's a frame of mind. I know that Mike is a master manipulator and even knowing this does not keep me from slipping sometimes. I'm just not used to people like this at all. I trust too much. It SUCKS!!! But other than that I'm happy. I got a cool new puter toy... a Graphire Tablet from Wacom to draw, to illustrate, to write Abraham Lincoln's signature over and over again. (I swear I do it just like old Abe did.) I hope to be able to do some really cool things in the future with this tablet. I've been talking a little bit to a cool kid in Massachussets or however the hell you spell it. He's into Modest Mouse and the Beastie Boys and Mr. T and Belle & Sebastian and he's funny, too. Of course he is in Amherst so I don't expect that will fly. But he's a cool kiddo. I don't suppose I need to meet anyone local right now anyway. I need to get my life in order and ground myself. Get back to the me that I once was. I'd love to hang out with my old familiar faces, faces that I miss... I never meant to stop, it's just that I think I'm not good to hang out with now, always distracted or upset or grrr-y. Mad at myself for putting up with it. I want my happy home. I want a dog or a kitty. I really want the doggage more than anything. I will have to see. A dog would be good cuz it'd force me to exercise. Aww. Doggie!!! I used to say that a dog that looked like a panda would be cool. I heard about one once, but he was pretty big. I need a smallish to medium sized dog. One with a huge bladder. =) hehe. Okay, I'm going to go draw stuff. Maybe I will upload something later for you all to see. xoxox 15:10:36 - August 22nd, 2K :: 11:07am ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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