pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Heart's the Bitter Buffalo "In this place that I call home, my brain's the cliff and my heart's the bitter buffalo." Heart Cooks Brain; Modest Mouse. Last night the bitter buffalo jumped. How did it happen? I was fine. Mike was meeting this girl from Michigan, a potential roommate. I already knew that they seemed to get along well on the phone and I suspected that he found her attractive, because it seemed to me like he was flirting with her. He always turns on the charm anyway, just so he can feel like he's got his fan club, regardless of whether or not he plans on putting moves on them. He's always looking for new members to eagerly join the OH MIKE fan club. Just for the record, I am NOT a member. I read the literature, observed the offerings of being in the club, spent a week contemplating it, but I've never joined. So. Why then? Why do I want to be his most loved? Why does it make me freak out to think for a minute that I can be replaced? I think that I know him better than anyone. I think that he knows it. I see through him. To me he is transparent. He forgets that. Sometimes he will launch into stories about how he used his charm for this or that and I just nod and make agreeing noises, but one look at my face and you would know that I wasn't buying it for a second. There's just something SO unattractive to me about people that turn on charm to get what they want. It doesn't impress me, I don't think that they are cool and I certainly don't enjoy stories about it. I just think charm is another brand of manipulation, but it's possibly one of the sneakiest. It builds a false confidence. I don't like dishonesty, even if it can serve a purpose. Look. I know that Mike is all about it. I am so far FROM that kind of outlook. I should be secretly smiling that he did feel confident in Melissa being his roommate. Afterall, he coined her the chick version of himself. Egads. So he was unshakable last night. Bragging about waitering stories, charming old ladies out of their money. At every job he's had he is somehow charming enough to be made the highest possible position, even having no prior experience in that field. Uh huh. Right. But yeah, Melissa loves to waitress, so for some reason he carried that conversation over to me while we sat at this bar so I could grab something to eat. I had it here in my head that no matter what my tendencies were to react in a clinging to the past kind of way, it really was not in my best interest, because REALLY AND TRULY I dream of the day when I get my life back. When everything is pretty again and any mess is my mess and nothing closes in on me, making me feel so frustrated. I want him out big time. So I need to put aside even caring if I feel second fiddle. Swallow it. You know? I know it's coming soon; the day that I'm just off somewhere in his peripheral vision. Can I stand that? I WANT it. But I don't like the transition from here to there. I keep fucking it up. I keep saying stuff. The sentimental me, the me that remembers the good stuff, you know that all powerful 10% of me. I keep saying things that give him the impression that I NEED HIM. I don't. I imagine that it's a tool that I might be using like a pick axe to his brain to remind him how deeply I care. I don't know WHY I am doing this. I am working the chariot. Pulling my own self in two directions. The smallest part has equal pull and sometimes noses ahead in the darkest moments when I least expect it. After dinner, I had to go to WalMart to get some blank tapes (which are useless now, cuz I can't get it to tape! grr, PPG marathon.) Of course Mike had to buy MORE cars, only 10 bucks worth this time. It didn't bother me as much because the light at the end of the tunnel seems more evident. When we got back home, M. jumped on the computer and started looking up Hot Wheels sites on the 'net. I asked him if he'd hang out with me a little while, meaning both of us doing something together, watching tv or just layin' around. He said yeah. He would. This was about 11 pm, maybe. I went in the other room and read for a little bit, came back in here and talked to him while he surfed, but he didn't pay attention. I went to go watch tv. He kept talking to me, but it was like this :: UH UHHHHHH!!!!! DUDE!!!! THIS IS THE FUCKING PHATTEST CAR!!!!! I HAVE TO HAVE THIS, YO!!!!!!!! and AWESOME!!!!! THAT IS SO-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!! and he shoulda got this car or that car because it's worth at least $2.50 and he could have gotten it for 87 cents. Not my idea of conversation. So soon I asked him if I could ask him a question and he'd not get mad about it. He said okay. I said, will you come hang out with me BEFORE you're going to be too tired to talk? Because I don't want you to be either falling asleep on me or getting irritable because you want to sleep and I want to talk. He said okay. This was 11:45. Reasonable people would probably think that they should wrap up what they were doing in 15 minutes or so. At 12:30 he was still looking. I made it a point to get up and turn the light off so that he would maybe go eeeeeeeeeeeeee, I better go hang out real quick. No. He didn't. I was starting to get upset. I don't think I had been being unreasonable. I stayed out of his way for long enough. A couple of minutes later I got up to shut the door. Now if I do this, you can almost count on my being mad. I was so mad because he's not going to be here much longer, I just wanted to spend some good chat time with him or just relaxing time. It's too weird for me to know that he's there and just ignoring me and then falling directly asleep without interacting. I just feel so unhappy about that. So I shut the door. When I get frustrated, my first reaction is to cry. It's because I don't know how things got to a certain point. Last night, in my mind, I was being cool to hang out with and we were having fun, I didn't see why he'd rather just look at cars on the 'net than to hang out with me, especially when the end is so near for us to have time together like this. It hurt me that he didn't notice all of this. And it frustrated me that I couldn't make him feel anything at all. And that's when it happened. When my mind became full of everything, so full it spilled itself in huffs and tears. My heart. Funny things. It's hard to explain really what it felt like. Maybe it felt like it was spinning around in place. It felt like a fish out of water, flipping to try to regain control. It made me stop my crying for a second. It stopped. My crying is full of huff when it happens like this. At least three times I felt it flip in succession. I sat up. Something wasn't right. Something was anti-right! Something was very wrong, I thought. I sat up to feel how fast or strange my heart was beating. Whatever. I would stop crying and be okay. I was still mad. I decided to go get a glass of water. As I walked I noticed a defined shakiness to my movements. As I walked past Mike he said HEY. I said HEY. I went in the room and closed the door. He started yelling, I said HEY to you because I was going to tell you something. Come back here. blah blah... I said no. He yelled in asking if I was being MOODY or whatever. I yelled back that something was wrong with me. He said what did I mean? And I asked him to come into the room. When he got there, my crazy heart was beating fast, I could barely breathe. I was still shakin' like mad. Other than that, I felt fine. If I was having a dreaded heart attack, it wasn't like I thought it would be. He said let's call someone. Who? I told him to call my mom. I asked her about what happens... I had the arm pain. It was one of the worries that it could be happening. So Mike insisted that we go to the Emergency Room. I was really feeling better by the time I got dressed. I didn't want to go. He refused to listen. We got there. I felt so fine. I didn't want to go. He said that we weren't going to take any chances. There was a mean nurse, a nice receptionist, a really cool attending nurse and no real wait. I felt kind of ridiculous being there, having nothing wrong with me at that moment, but they wanted the doctor to check me out anyway. So I got an EKG and some xrays. Everything was fine. I have strange stuff that happens sometimes with my heart. That is the only reason why I felt like it wouldn't be a bad idea to be close to a hospital, just in case. The part that strikes me as so funny is that Mike was there with me, being all strong and protective and then there were moments of him being in there with me, ME HOOKED TO A HEART AND BREATH MONITOR, mind you, that he was doing things to totally aggravate me. Making this noise that drives me INSANE and really gets me mad, because no matter how many times I ask him to stop, he does it repeatedly and insists that I really like it. And I always say NO, I HATE IT, and he persists. I say STOP he says SORRY, I didn't mean to. Whatever. He also told me that he gave me back my Cure necklace, which I had to take off to get the xray. He hadn't given it back to me and it's one of my favorite necklaces, and probably hard to replace immediately since it was from a Cure show. He kept up the charade of not having it until I told him that I couldn't believe that he'd try to pull this shit after what had happened. Even though I felt fine, he clearly upsets me. Upsets me in a very bad way. I think knowing Mike has made my stress level rocket. I think his presence subliminally raises my blood pressure at times. I know he's not worth it. I am going to have a little talk with that bitter buffalo. Tell him that the cliff jumping isn't the only answer. It will be nice to be back on flat ground again. 16:33:22 - August 12th, 2K :: noony ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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