pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tenders (But not chicken) Okay. Last night. Again with the uncontrollable crying. I don't want to cry, so when I start it makes me laugh. Hmm, sounds strange, doesn't it? Well, let me TRY to explain... I am so confused. I know that I jumped into this crazy boiling pot rather blindly and I do know that it's probably not entirely too late to undo what's been done. But then I'm not miserable. I am not so sure I want everything to unwind and disappear. I want to be happy and spoiled and complimented and I want to feel like I'm loved and in love... and anytime I feel like that chance is gone, it makes me want to throw my arms up in the air and give up. I feel so trapped sometimes. I did this. I DID. It's like I said, I feel like M. and I are on our own private Real World only without cameras and we're missing 5 of the other cast members. We don't really REALLY know each other and as fukt up as that seems, there we are. We are having to learn how to interact with each other. The problem was, I felt like we weren't a team. You know? Like we were just 2 people in this thing for our own benefit and that's anti-what's-supposed-to-be-happening. I think any successful relationship is at least loosely based on the notion that you are on the same team, working towards the same sweet something, be it a project, a love supreme, fond memories or posters for your garage sale. Well, I said it out loud, because M. wanted to listen. He can be SO SWEET when he sees that I'm real. That sounds funny, I know, but I think sometimes we go so quickly in our everyday (towards everything and everyone) that people become blurs and you forget that they are packed with smarts and emotions and funny and love and hate and they have all of this there inside, just like YOU do but you have to slow down to recognize this. So sometimes the lights go on in him and he realizes that I am not just a warm body to fill the room and the peripheral vision. I'm not just a roommate or a chauffer... I'm supposed to be his girl and he is supposed to treat me with compassion or tenderness. And he does. And it's amazing. And that's the side of him that I love. I totally adore that side of him. So we spoke about being a team from now and on and it will be a conscious (sp?) effort on both of our parts to do this. So far, so good. Last night was great in its own quiet way. There are bumps when we forget, I'd like to think right now that it's only him who is forgetting, but I do, too, sometimes. (Just not as much! hehe) and after those bumps we have to think and quiet down the inside and realize that it's not worth a struggle, it's worth a compromise. Relationships are TONS of work. Sometimes I really question my strength to participate. I would miss the tenderness for sure. How someone goes from being a stranger in Starbucks to your soft hot prize in the middle of the night. It's beautiful and strange and stars in the sky. 2 o' 7 - sixthirteen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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