pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why I Haven't Written? I've been a bad, bad diarygirl. I suck. I suck. I suck. God, I suck. I'm depressed right now. I don't even know why. It could have something to do with it being that proverbial time of the you know... and that's really what it is, I'm sure. But am I happy? Do I know? I was reeling, just reeling after new years eve. I had the *best* time I've ever had on a new years eve. No kidding. I didn't get kissed once, but I felt like I was really somewhere. Like I'm on my way places. I guess I still feel that way, only right now, I'm here and there's just me and I'm doing *nothing*... I'm afraid I live my life for other people. That's not easy to say, but fuck it, there you have it. But is that WRONG? I feel like it is. I have all of these gifts, I have these dreams in my head of utilizing my abilities in their utmost utternessness! And I cannot get the motivation. UNLESS. Unless I am around people that are motivated and accomplishing things. That gives me the drive to want to really get out there and express myself. I guess that's part of the living for other people thing. I need to be able to motivate myself and inspire MYSELF. I can't rely on that to come from any other well other than my own. I am BROKE BROKE BROKITY BROKE. I need to start freelancing soon. I'm scared of it. I have no idea how to start doing that. All I know is that I HAVE TO DO IT. Before it was like 'yeah, in a few months I've gotta start...' and now it's a few months later and I've got no plan, no leads, no portfolio assembled. I have plenty of stuff for a portfolio, just haven't assembled it yet. So I'm depressed. It's like this : I know what I've got to do. It's maybe something like giving yourself an insulin shot, I've got to do it or suffer the consequences... I'm not going to die if I don't utilize my creativity, but then I won't really be living either, will I? You've got to GOT TO live every day to its fullest. And it honest to God freaks me out. I know this and I'm on the verge of it. Part of me is eager to dive right in and the other part is afraid of drowning in this pool of life and experience and yeah... I know, it's time, it's mine, I'm wasting it. I have everything just waiting for me, all I have to do is TRY. Where do you get motivation? How do you forget your worries, your irrational fears of really living? How? Tell me. 03:41:28 - January 3rd, 2001 :: 10:37pm ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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