pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Path Yay Halloween! Yay Broken Foot! Yay Singularity! One true thing :: I am tired of boys that don't fuckin' care what I want, boys that will do whatever they want to despite my telling them that it would make me uncomfortable, that I don't want something to go down. Yep, I'm still a bit bothered by Ashton's persistance. It's like WHAT DO I KNOW??? Do I even, COULD I EVEN possibly know what's best for me? Not being kissed, that's all I asked. Not to be fuckin' kissed. Not once, not twice. Several times. I suppose the first few times were practice NOs. Grr. I know it's something more than a kiss that he wanted. I mean something deeper. Like to snap & lock the seatbelt, to hear it click again, that safety measure to take us into the future. But I'm not there, not even in the car yet. At this rate, I'm not remotely interested. Why am I so mad about this? I should be flattered that my first ever b/f still wants me. But it's like this :: I'm the one that got away, in his eyes. I'm sure of it. He told me the other night that he was going to ask me to marry him, but he chickened out I suppose, and I broke up with him just a few weeks later. I'm the one that got away. Maybe that's why I'm so beloved now. Not that I'm NOT purely adorable and sweetly girlfriendish in every way... cuz I am, but that has to add to it. I'm sure it does. And that makes my mind go in a hundred thousand tail spins... What would have happened if he had? The past ten years as I have known them and loved them and hated them would have been SO different. I LOVE MY LIFE. EVEN IN ALL OF THE HEARTACHE and STUPIDITY that I've found and worn... I LOVE IT ALL. It's colors warm me and I feel blessed to have had these past 10 years... I don't believe I would have traded them for anything... I'm not where I want to be. I will admit that. I haven't made the best choices, but there is a reason why I chose the path I did. I chose it. I broke up with Ashton for the last time and never looked back. I chose this path. Understand? 05:39:35 - October 31st, 2K :: 1:27am ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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