pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ho + Hum = Me Well. I try to go about my days as usual. I try, but with what I know, it's very hard. Two months ago my parents were healthy, probably healthier than the anti-vegetabled me. I just have this feeling now that I've had this free ride up til now. That now it's time to cash in my chips, to pay my piper. They say: we let you KNOW all of your grandparents and two of your great grandparents. We've never taken from you unexpectedly. We've given you plenty of time to prepare. In exchange, someone you love very dearly and maybe even took for granted (?) must suffer. Suffer. Have cells inside them grow crooked and multiply. We will let it be found, but still... he must suffer. The doctors must cut him and cook him and his blue blue eyes must bear the weight of all of his pain and you will see this. You will see him grey. And dry. And need. At times, say 95% of the time, you will feel helpless. You will see him through. Because that's the cost of your mostly painless life. You know. I can't imagine and in fact, I REFUSE to imagine life without him. He's got to give me away when I get married. I'm not even engaged yet. He's got to make my baby's smile course over everyone's face, just as he is able to do with every baby that meets him. Needless to say, babies for me are years away. I won't have them never know Grandpa. It would break my heart. I get sad when I go out, strolling the aisles. What do we need at home? Something to take my mind away from it. But there he is, at every corner. I have a picture of my Dad, from when he was in the army. His buddy took it, obviously. He's sound asleep, as Matt and I would say, sleeping like a baby angel log. He is about 24 years old. He looks so pure and sweet and I vowed then if anyone ever hurt him, I would kick their ass. I want to find a way. Believe me, I do. --- 1:58 a.m. - August 31, '02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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