pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- little baby log Double duty. I've been moonlighting at livejournal, just for a change. I needed a change. I'm sad off and on. I don't know who I am anymore - I catch glimpses occasionally. Sometimes it interferes with my attentiveness, this sad stuff. My DAD is doing GREAT. Better than ever expected. But he's a trooper. I'm just unemployed, uninspired, unwed! Ha. Well, it's not entirely true, the uninspired thing. I get struck with electric inspiration occasionally. I have a minimum of three new ideas/hobbies per week if it's a good week. I still lack stick-to-itiveness and that will be the end of me. I am trying to use Feng Shui in my life again, to see if what landed me the boy can land me a j-o-b. Still, brain, fuddled. I can't seem to think straight about any of it at the moment. I would say I need a vacation but my freeking brain won't rest. Yeah, that and what have I been doing that I need a break from, right? But seriously, my brain never slows down. I am obsessive over anything that's soaked inside for even 10 minutes. The lights go out at night and I think of whatever-it-is until my eyes find sleep. And then after my mind makes that slithericious transition, it's back and in charge of my dreams. How many eBay dreams have I had? A million. How many dreams do I have about WHICH SOLUTION is the best for whatever project I'm working on? A trillion. I can't even get a decent night's dreaming in sometimes. And even though I've got the very best boy in the worldiverse, I still feel so alone a few dark minutes of our days. Thankfully, it's few and far between, but this leads to THAT and I dream of how we are wrong to think we should be together. And THAT's what's WRONG. So this is my longest relationship, my healthiest. I'm long past the sabotage portion of the program... but just as sometimes you have those moments of realization - that you are on the fence between sane and insane - sometimes I have those fence moments with me doing something to screw this up. And what always snaps me back into my place is that I imagine my life without him. Me going back to Atlanta and getting my job back at Sun Am if I was lucky enough and getting another expensive apartment and pretending to enjoy meeting new people and making believe I'm that girl that I want them all to see. It makes me feel sad. Sad for the way I was before. So lonely. I wasn't HAPPY, I was getting by. I wasn't CONTENT, I was sleepwalking. I over-react. The worst fight we've been in was probably over driving. Me and my passenger side driving critiquery causing my man such strife. I have it easy, girls. I have the best one yet. And yes, I do wonder what I've really done to deserve him. What other boy would really make our gators and bears talk for me? Who else could understand me when I say that they slept like a little baby log? I hate being dissatisfied with my direction - it makes everything seem stuck. We're sticking, but at least it's together. 1:45 a.m. - December 2, '02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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