pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like HELL So this is where the secrets are... All of them HERE. Have you ever been nearly barefoot, running through the happy fields of your childhood and suddenly get *stuck* by a stickerbush baby? Stickerbush baby clinging to your tube sock? Take me home, it says. Do something with me, just do something WITH me. Whatever it is, I'm not on the ground anymore, I'm not bound to the ground anymore... I guess I found one. I shouldn't have been nearly barefoot, I might not have noticed, it might have been harder for Stickerbush baby to cling to my heels... But there he is. And you look. How amazing the structure of this device. And you touch it. Something fascinating and surreal. But real. And now, it's on. I like being stuck sometimes. It reminds me of the realness, the vibrancy of feeling things that I had disengaged from my past. It's not the most comfortable thing in this world. But love and friendship and whatever this may be is a surprise attack from somewhere you've been before, when nothing jumped out at you, and you were unscathed. The barb is inevitable. Soon enough, each of us will feel the creeping into our skins of the tiny sharpness of someone new. Someone trying his or her softest to get under your skin, to make you know that you are alive, even if they don't know that this is their message.
I'm trying to give this a name. But it's so hard to name something that you can't fully see. How many times in my bedside journal I have written it :: I don't know what I want this to be. And now it is something. SOMETHING. Something I'm not sure that I want it to be. I lament it secretly, this decision. I know that I am to blame for being 'one foot on the pedal' and letting someone else steer me subliminally in a direction that I KNOW isn't best. I am such a romantic and this is such the wrong way. But isn't the ink dry, so to speak? Isn't this a done deal? Is there no turning back now, missK? That's what I imagine, so since I've made my bed, I will lie in it for now. I want to think that only the best will come, but me with my bitching and controllee-ness (believe me, I never noticed it before, but I DO want control over lots of things...) and Mike with his cavalierity, there are bound to be conflicts. There are ALREADY conflicts. Number one :: Cosmetic :: I want my apartment to look NICE. This means no milk crates, no empty (ugly) brass monkey bottles, no big yellow signs stolen from Kroger. I want it to be MY apartment and it's clearly not going to be that way. So what do I do? I have to bend a bit... allow some of the 'comforts of home' a la Mike, but things that go against the grain of MY STYLE really irritate the fuck out of me. No LIE! Number two :: Trust :: I want so very badly to trust him completely. I can't say that I have that luxury right now. I haven't even known him for a month. It will be one month tomorrow. I know he bullshits everyone he meets, I know he's lied to me before, I know he wasn't going to confront the issue of what we are or the fact that he placed another ad again until I did. So yes, I have serious trust issues. I don't want it this way. Ideally, if things were in place, I would have no doubts in my mind. So now when he says it's only me, I wonder 'is it only me?' I found phone numbers in his pockets. Why was I looking in his pockets he asks? True story, I was doing the laundry. Why did I unfold them and read them? Mmm, good point, Mike. I don't trust you. I want to catch you doing something wrong, so I can make you leave. Make you leave without being sure if you really deserve to leave or if I am just trying to sabotage something that could be good. I need to trust. It is vital for me to be able to trust my lover. Number three :: In Lovity :: I'm not in love. This is a good thing; this is a bad thing. It's good because it's too soon for me to say that and truly mean it. It's bad because I think I would deal with this whole thing a lot better if I had given it time to boil into real and true love... love that isn't forced to cook. Right now, I haven't felt too much love either, minus the IN. I did while I was in Florida... I felt pure LOVE, aggravated love, but it was real and powerful. It's fading now. Reality setting in? It was as soon as we got back from Florida that Mike asked me if I wanted him to move in. Pressure; now there's a great way to kill a mood. Number four :: What's Funny :: What's funny to me and what is funny to Mike are 2 very different things on many subjects. This is okay, in general, but when some of those things reek of such immaturity, it bothers me like the botherance that you would feel when you open your eyes and you realize that you have been in the kiddie pool all along. That's kind of how I feel. The depth is missing. Now. You're going to take this wrong, I bet. I DO really like Mike. LIKE him. I just haven't had the freedom to update my webpage, to vent. And now, with a boyfriend roommate with complete and total access to my PC, this is the only way I can do it anonymously. I'm going to lunch now... I will be back with more, be sure, be sure. daylight savings - Junebug Line 6 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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