pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone* It's freshly Tuesday. I'm hangin' out in the makeshift computer room by myself again. Today was extremely uneventful. Our neighbor stopped by at some point. He was over when I got home. Mike actually took it upon himself to straighten the place up a bit and VACUUM even! I was impressed for sure. We went to the grocery store. Big YIP. Oooh we did get some good ice cream. I've never really indulged in Ben & Jerry's before, but hot diggity, kids! Good stuff. Mmm what else. Oh. Yeah. The other day, for some reason, tweaking something around or whatever, I had saved the entry about CiCi's to my HARD DRIVE like a complete and total idiot (say it with me C&TI!!!) anyway, good god. I left that sucker ON MY HARD DRIVE complete with the whole friggin' story!!! SHIT! (Can I say that on TV?) FOLY HUCK!!! I HOPE that Mike didn't see it. How did I forget that? Is it my secret subconscious longing to be confronted? I mean, I have told him again and again and point blank, I might add, that I'm not in love with him and I have never been. Told him numerous times that I don't think it will work. He is so sure that it will that he is ignoring the important factor of us both being in a relationship that cannot reach its highest attainable goal. It can only be compared to National Lampoon's Vacation, when the Griswolds make that tarried trek out west to go to Wally World only to discover that it's closed for repairs. You can force things to happen, but it won't be natural, it won't be as real and it won't be as much fun. Someone is going to be miserable. But he tells me to be honest with myself. When he said this, I told him that if I WAS honest with myself he would have been gone a long time ago. OUCH. I can't believe the stickers I've stuck on him, and he remains unphased by it all :: persistant, insistant. What do I do? I DO LOVE him, but it's not a romantic love. I don't want to hurt him at all, and I don't want things to end all soap opera-esque and dramatic. I would love for him to wake up and realize that he should be with someone who is crazy about him and I should be with someone who is crazy about me. Neither of us should be with people who drive us crazy. And I don't know if it's too late for me. I mean, I don't know if it's just ME that is being stubborn and deciding that I can never be IN LOVE. Is it me? It's so hard to step outside and see. Can I just lay back and see what happens? See if he's right, see if I do end up in love with the kid? I don't know. I'm pretty stubborn. Once I've made up my mind it's hard to convince me otherwise. But, it's because of my stubbornness that I hesitate to act on things with a quickness. So here I am, obviously not NOT thinking about it. I just want to be fair to everyone. I want to give myself a chance to have what my cousin has, what my mom has... what my friends have... A REALLY PURELY GOOD MAN. The kind with a heart of gold, because overall, I'm the goodie girrl that I always was... and I deserve it. Everyone* deserves to be adored. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *At the time of this writing, the term "EVERYONE" excludes the following :: serial killers, non-serial but killer anyway killers, habitual drunk drivers, child molesters, animal abusers, people who are serious about the fucked up shit that they bring on jerry springer, people who think that malicious prank calls are funny, people who don't see the cuteness in old people and wanna be mean to them instead, people who do fucked up things to other people's stuff, people who don't respect the sanctity of marriage and similar vows, and people who smash bugs for fun. This list may not be complete and the author may edit as necessary. Thank you for your understanding. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 04:05:35 - seven eleven ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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