pandalicious's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please Please Please Okay. Ventilation time. No matter HOW FED UP I get with Mike, I DO still LIKE him. Things are getting to a boiling point with us, but yes, that is because I am not satisfied with where this relationship is. I honestly don't know that anything can be worked out to salvage it. But maybe somewhere in the back of my mind and in the darkest depths of his heart, there is something there that can respark whatever is almost extinguished. Maybe not. No matter HOW MUCH Mike frustrates me, understand that I am still *with* him and as much as I am about ready to wave that white flag of surrender, giving up on US, it's not happened yet and that IS my choice. Therefore, don't say how stupid you think he is, how ridiculous he is on a personal level. Now, if you want to say that he's not treating me the way he should, this is all true, and I will wholeheartedly agree with you. But he is smart. He is funny sometimes. He is talented and he does have potential. Everyone has their faults. Realize that I DO LOVE him on many levels, I'm just not sure that us being romantically involved is what is best for me. When you say that he is stupid, or even imply that, it's not going to reflect well on me. Does that make sense? I know that as friends and family, you all want what is best for me. Mike hasn't done anything atrocious or criminal towards me. He's just not the best boyfriend. He's just not mature enough to cut it in as far as what I need at this point in my life. He's 22. I'm 27. That explains a lot. I do wish that things could be different. I wish that I didn't have to tell him 100x before he got the hint. I am afraid that I have no enthusiasm for continuing to try. He knows this. I have shared it with him. He wants me to give him tonight. Whatever that means. I saw it this morning, in his eyes. He is afraid of what comes next. He WANTS to make things work, but I know he has a notion that I've lost a lot of the interest in doing so. So I don't know what will happen tonight. I don't know that even if he came to me with flowers and poetry or whatever else may show something sincere within his heart, that I can be coaxed back over the line. I get stubborn like that. But... on the VERY SLIM chance that something is left for us, I would hope that you won't think I am with an idiot, because that's how I feel right now. Trust that I am awake inside of my thick skull, aware of what's going on and I am going to do what's best for me, even if it takes me longer than you'd like. ..... 10:16 - six 22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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